Part of leading one's life is dealing with issues of love well, especially romantic love. Romantic love is a major life concern. Millions of words and thousands of paintings have been devoted to the topic of romantic love. This reflects the inner longing within human beings for the thrill of experiencing a deep intimacy with someone, the joy and optimism that come with it, and that wonderful, almost indescribable sensation known as "being in love."
Romantic love is usually regarded as the most passionate expression of love between two people. People in such a relationship feel like they could conquer the world. It is an almost trance-like state in which people believe the power of their love can overcome any problem. Everything seems possible!
Romantic love exhibits intense passion, absolute devotion, and purposeful hopes and dreams. The emotions of romantic love give people a new outlook on life and a deep sense of happiness. Psychologists point out that true romantic love has a good effect on our character. It brings out the best in us, motivates us to improve ourselves and inspires us to strive for a higher level of maturity and responsibility.
We do not experience romantic love in our relationships with our parents, children, relatives, or friends. This kind of love is particular to a man and woman and involves sexual attraction.
Some people ridicule romantic love, saying it doesn't really exist but is simply the product of a deluded imagination.
However, if married partners experience no romance, then something wonderful is missing, no matter how sincere their commitment to each other may be. Without romance, marriage gets reduced to two people living together without passion and who are dominated by the dull grind of daily life.
This is why couples are urged by marital counselors to put romance into their marriage—to make time for one another, alone, without distractions, to do enjoyable things together, and to do kind and beautiful things for one another like sending love notes, flowers, and showing special consideration and tenderness. Romantic love needs care and nourishment; otherwise, it can all too easily fade away.
Romance may not be what you think it is
Some people confuse genuine romantic love with infatuation, but there is a difference. Couples who are infatuated with each other are living in a state of blissful ignorance. Their partner is already perfect in their eyes. Such a relationship is based on fantasy. Usually the infatuated person is "projecting" (like a movie camera projects an image on a screen) qualities onto their beloved one that the person really doesn't have. When they finally become aware of who the other person really is, the relationship usually dies quickly.
Real romantic love is founded on strong but tender realism. In real love, both partners are aware of each other’s limitations and faults, yet they love each other anyway, and work on improving themselves and their relationship. Authentic romantic love continues to grow and deepen over time.
The media has contributed to the confusion about love. Movies and songs make romance appear easy and natural if only you are with "the right person." Romance is expected to come instantly as a captivating and irresistible force between two people. But this type of romance does not require that the two people really know or care much about each other at all. True romance is developed through patience and an honest effort to live for the sake of the other instead of focusing primarily on one's own needs. It develops in an atmosphere of trust and is based on the whole person, rather than on a temporary attraction.
Romantic feelings cannot be commanded to appear and they can disappear sometimes too. The early romantic feelings of a marriage give way to learning to deal with life and the conflicts and challenges it brings together. Sometimes couples give up during these trying times. Yet deep feelings of romantic love grow up between a couple as they weather life together, learning to respect and honor one another and staying with their commitment to one another.
As we have said before, love is not merely an emotion or feeling; it is also a decision to be loving even when it feels as if our emotions are being tested. Once a couple has remained committed to acting lovingly toward one another over time and through difficulties, romantic love springs up between them anew and bonds them together forever.
"Do You Love Me?"
A surprising love song about romance in marriage happens in the movie and play Fiddler on the Roof.
Tevya and his wife Golde have been married for twenty-five years. Their marriage was arranged by their parents. They met for the first time on their wedding day!
After all these years of being together, Tevye asks Golde,
"Do You Love Me?"
(Golde) Do I what?
(Tevye) Do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion
(Tevye) Golde I'm asking you a question...Do you love me?
(Golde) You're a fool!
(Tevye) I know...But do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
(Tevye) Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day.
I was scared.
(Golde) I was shy.
(Tevye) I was nervous.
(Golde) So was I.
(Tevye) But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other,
And now I'm asking, Golde,
Do you love me?
(Golde) I'm your wife…
(Tevye) I know.
But do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his If that's not love, what is?
(Tevye—joyfully)) Then you love me?
(Golde) I suppose I do.
(Tevye) And I suppose I love you too.
(Both) It doesn't change a thing,
But even so,
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know.
Lyrics by Sheldon Harmick: "Do You Love Me?" Fiddler on the Roof, Mirisch Productions, Inc., and Cartier Production, Inc., Released by United Artists Corporation, MGM/UA, Home Entertainment Group, Inc., 1971.
Romantic love and virtues of good character
Love and character might not seem to be related, but indeed they are. Doctors have found through scientific studies that the main reason people divorce is that they have lost respect for one another's character. Romantic love is poisoned when spouses do not show good character.
Romantic feelings toward a husband or wife arise because of admiration of the spouse's good qualities of character.
Scientists have studied people who have good marriages. They found that respect for one another's virtues and characters played a large part in lasting romantic love. Successful spouses are kind, considerate, unselfish, humble, and generous in their relationships.
In an earlier book, it was said that scientific studies have also shown that people who are altruistic—that is, people who care about others in general—have long lasting, romantic marriages. Developing altruism as a young person through caring for others—doing service projects, taking care of children, the elderly, the sick, your neighbors, classmates and friends---is good insurance for a happy, love-filled marriage later in life. Altruism builds the virtues that make true love bloom in your heart. It makes you a fine and admirable person--someone a spouse will love for a lifetime.
Like a horse and carriage
An old popular song goes:
Love and marriage
Love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
Dad was told by Mother:
You can't have one
You can't have one
You can't have one without the other!
Romantic love and marriage do go together. Despite today’s popular perception, love reaches its full fruition only in married life, on the foundation of the couple’s virtues of character experienced over years of devotion to one another. Romantic love reaches new heights as we experience total oneness in mind, body and heart with the one to whom we have given ourselves in marriage.
Of all the gifts in the world, this kind of romantic love is most precious. Even the richest person in the world could not purchase such a love. It has eluded royalty and celebrities. Yet it is available to the most ordinary men and women if they are virtuous and committed to one another in marriage.
Questions for Reflection
1. How would you define romantic love?
2. What is the difference between romantic love and infatuation?
3. Some people ridicule romantic love, saying it's simply the product of a deluded imagination. What do you think?
4. In general, how is romantic love portrayed in the media?
5. How does romance develop in a marriage relationship?
6. What do virtues and good character have to do with romantic love in marriage?
7. What are some ways you can develop altruism now so as to enjoy romance later in life?
Exercise: “Famous Romances”
Can you match these famous romantic partners to one another? Draw lines to connect the couples.
Cleopatra Robin Hood
Juliet Prince Albert
Beatrice Rhett Butler
Queen Victoria Dante
Scarlett O'Hara Antony
Maid Marian Romeo
Reflection Exercise: “Spouse Wanted”
You are going to write a newspaper ad (it will never appear in the newspaper!) for the type of spouse you would want for yourself. Note what character qualities or virtues you most admire.
The Love Herald
Advertisements
Spouse Wanted
Must Have the Following Qualifications: 1. 2. 3. 4. etc.
Romantic love is usually regarded as the most passionate expression of love between two people. People in such a relationship feel like they could conquer the world. It is an almost trance-like state in which people believe the power of their love can overcome any problem. Everything seems possible!
Romantic love exhibits intense passion, absolute devotion, and purposeful hopes and dreams. The emotions of romantic love give people a new outlook on life and a deep sense of happiness. Psychologists point out that true romantic love has a good effect on our character. It brings out the best in us, motivates us to improve ourselves and inspires us to strive for a higher level of maturity and responsibility.
We do not experience romantic love in our relationships with our parents, children, relatives, or friends. This kind of love is particular to a man and woman and involves sexual attraction.
Some people ridicule romantic love, saying it doesn't really exist but is simply the product of a deluded imagination.
However, if married partners experience no romance, then something wonderful is missing, no matter how sincere their commitment to each other may be. Without romance, marriage gets reduced to two people living together without passion and who are dominated by the dull grind of daily life.
This is why couples are urged by marital counselors to put romance into their marriage—to make time for one another, alone, without distractions, to do enjoyable things together, and to do kind and beautiful things for one another like sending love notes, flowers, and showing special consideration and tenderness. Romantic love needs care and nourishment; otherwise, it can all too easily fade away.
Romance may not be what you think it is
Some people confuse genuine romantic love with infatuation, but there is a difference. Couples who are infatuated with each other are living in a state of blissful ignorance. Their partner is already perfect in their eyes. Such a relationship is based on fantasy. Usually the infatuated person is "projecting" (like a movie camera projects an image on a screen) qualities onto their beloved one that the person really doesn't have. When they finally become aware of who the other person really is, the relationship usually dies quickly.
Real romantic love is founded on strong but tender realism. In real love, both partners are aware of each other’s limitations and faults, yet they love each other anyway, and work on improving themselves and their relationship. Authentic romantic love continues to grow and deepen over time.
The media has contributed to the confusion about love. Movies and songs make romance appear easy and natural if only you are with "the right person." Romance is expected to come instantly as a captivating and irresistible force between two people. But this type of romance does not require that the two people really know or care much about each other at all. True romance is developed through patience and an honest effort to live for the sake of the other instead of focusing primarily on one's own needs. It develops in an atmosphere of trust and is based on the whole person, rather than on a temporary attraction.
Romantic feelings cannot be commanded to appear and they can disappear sometimes too. The early romantic feelings of a marriage give way to learning to deal with life and the conflicts and challenges it brings together. Sometimes couples give up during these trying times. Yet deep feelings of romantic love grow up between a couple as they weather life together, learning to respect and honor one another and staying with their commitment to one another.
As we have said before, love is not merely an emotion or feeling; it is also a decision to be loving even when it feels as if our emotions are being tested. Once a couple has remained committed to acting lovingly toward one another over time and through difficulties, romantic love springs up between them anew and bonds them together forever.
"Do You Love Me?"
A surprising love song about romance in marriage happens in the movie and play Fiddler on the Roof.
Tevya and his wife Golde have been married for twenty-five years. Their marriage was arranged by their parents. They met for the first time on their wedding day!
After all these years of being together, Tevye asks Golde,
"Do You Love Me?"
(Golde) Do I what?
(Tevye) Do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion
(Tevye) Golde I'm asking you a question...Do you love me?
(Golde) You're a fool!
(Tevye) I know...But do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
(Tevye) Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day.
I was scared.
(Golde) I was shy.
(Tevye) I was nervous.
(Golde) So was I.
(Tevye) But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other,
And now I'm asking, Golde,
Do you love me?
(Golde) I'm your wife…
(Tevye) I know.
But do you love me?
(Golde) Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?
(Tevye—joyfully)) Then you love me?
(Golde) I suppose I do.
(Tevye) And I suppose I love you too.
(Both) It doesn't change a thing,
But even so,
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know.
Lyrics by Sheldon Harmick: "Do You Love Me?" Fiddler on the Roof, Mirisch Productions, Inc., and Cartier Production, Inc., Released by United Artists Corporation, MGM/UA, Home Entertainment Group, Inc., 1971.
Romantic love and virtues of good character
Love and character might not seem to be related, but indeed they are. Doctors have found through scientific studies that the main reason people divorce is that they have lost respect for one another's character. Romantic love is poisoned when spouses do not show good character.
Romantic feelings toward a husband or wife arise because of admiration of the spouse's good qualities of character.
Scientists have studied people who have good marriages. They found that respect for one another's virtues and characters played a large part in lasting romantic love. Successful spouses are kind, considerate, unselfish, humble, and generous in their relationships.
In an earlier book, it was said that scientific studies have also shown that people who are altruistic—that is, people who care about others in general—have long lasting, romantic marriages. Developing altruism as a young person through caring for others—doing service projects, taking care of children, the elderly, the sick, your neighbors, classmates and friends---is good insurance for a happy, love-filled marriage later in life. Altruism builds the virtues that make true love bloom in your heart. It makes you a fine and admirable person--someone a spouse will love for a lifetime.
Like a horse and carriage
An old popular song goes:
Love and marriage
Love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
Dad was told by Mother:
You can't have one
You can't have one
You can't have one without the other!
Romantic love and marriage do go together. Despite today’s popular perception, love reaches its full fruition only in married life, on the foundation of the couple’s virtues of character experienced over years of devotion to one another. Romantic love reaches new heights as we experience total oneness in mind, body and heart with the one to whom we have given ourselves in marriage.
Of all the gifts in the world, this kind of romantic love is most precious. Even the richest person in the world could not purchase such a love. It has eluded royalty and celebrities. Yet it is available to the most ordinary men and women if they are virtuous and committed to one another in marriage.
Questions for Reflection
1. How would you define romantic love?
2. What is the difference between romantic love and infatuation?
3. Some people ridicule romantic love, saying it's simply the product of a deluded imagination. What do you think?
4. In general, how is romantic love portrayed in the media?
5. How does romance develop in a marriage relationship?
6. What do virtues and good character have to do with romantic love in marriage?
7. What are some ways you can develop altruism now so as to enjoy romance later in life?
Exercise: “Famous Romances”
Can you match these famous romantic partners to one another? Draw lines to connect the couples.
Cleopatra Robin Hood
Juliet Prince Albert
Beatrice Rhett Butler
Queen Victoria Dante
Scarlett O'Hara Antony
Maid Marian Romeo
Reflection Exercise: “Spouse Wanted”
You are going to write a newspaper ad (it will never appear in the newspaper!) for the type of spouse you would want for yourself. Note what character qualities or virtues you most admire.
The Love Herald
Advertisements
Spouse Wanted
Must Have the Following Qualifications:
1.
2.
3.
4.
etc.